You won't win this war.

Done with everything.
And everyone.
Done with the world.
Done with life.

I don't even know why.
But.
I give up.

Put a gun to my head, and, paint the walls with my brain.

Things are continuously getting worse.
Have I done something wrong?

I had Sharron call me last night, all concerned.. thinking I was ending it.. not to lie, I was considering it again. :/
Billys going into hospital for a few weeks soon. He's. My reason for living.. he doesn't pull through.. neither will I.
I hate blogging, I feel like a whiney bitch. But its better than talking to someone who just tells you to stay on the brightside, or look after yourself.

Theres no brightside.
I will not look after myself.

One more thing goes wrong.
Its over.
I'm gone.
I hope your happy now God. You wanted me to suffer. You've got it now. Right infront of you.

Look Right Through Me.

Ah can't remember when I last blogged.

Been nothing to say,
I've been going with the flow, see where I end up. Hope everything just goes away.
Mums set me aside because Billy's more important and, needs help. I have to wait.
I don't even know if she remembers when I spoke to her about my problem. Don't even think she cares to be honest..
It'd be to hard to speak to her again.

Just been putting things behind me, trying to look positively, trying to, save myself. From me.
I have people here for me I know. I know theres people I can turn too for help. But. I can't. I'm weak.
I want to get a hobbie. To maybe distract me from thinking.

I've been thinking far to much lately.
My dreams and my life.. well.. the dreams seem more real at the moment, or I just want to believe the dreams are life and life is the dream, So.
Sleeping and dreaming forever, seems nice.
But I can't do it.
I'm not, taking the easy way out.

I want it all to go away.


School tomorrow. Oh joy.
:l Sigh. I'm going to. try harder this term.
Atleast then when I'm older, I can be proud of myself.
Lets just get through these 10 weeks... then more holidays..

Things start to get better, then, as I've said before, it all goes wrong, again.

I'm so sick of this.

Would you ever leave me, for someone who deserves you most?

Ah
same feelings as always.
Suicidal urge getting stronger.
Head aching like fuck.

But just to top it off, a facebook group brought back a memory of him, I can't stand it, I hate not being with him..but, he won't ever take me back and I can't blame him.
Its not just that its, other things too.
Just.

Idk
fuck it all.

Fml.

:/
Well, got to school, even though I had a jacket on, Sharrons comes up and rolls up my sleeves.
Then she's instantly unhappy.
Sigh.
Wish I wasn't this way.

I just, I've felt really down all day.. I sat in the shower.. and just.. wanted to end it all again.
Sigh.
I keep just, well, just, living everyday, life will be over soon.
Could always overdose.. maybe alcohol poisoning.. eh.
:/ I don't know there the 2 ways I want to do it..

I don't know anymore.

Temptation to pick up the scissors is getting strong. I just annoyed Andrew by saying I was going to cut myself in the corner after him calling me a name.
Eh.
I feel like it.
But not because of that.
:/

Sigh.
Well.
Dylan told me how he'll be deaf soon.. I love that guy.. so much.. he's amazing, even though people always make him feel like shit.
He's amazing, and, I wish he didn't have to go through all these medical problems.. ]:

Also, Chris is here for me.
:D he's also amazing.

He told Kayle I cried yesterday, Chris said Kayle didn't show any emotion, he didn't care.
Fuck him.
I'm done with it.

:D Chris said he's gonna slap me if I fall for Kayle again, don't want that happening. x] He's got big hands.

I don't know, least I've got people around me who care about me, I gotta stay alive for them.
Even though I don't want too.

You'll care when you see I'm not chasing you anymore.

I hate when people ask, ''what you doing?'' and your in the middle of.. destroying your skin.. sigh.


So.. I full on freak out at school because I'm so afraid of his reaction.. He wasn't around at recess.. so I sat down and thought over things, then, Aaron comes over with his guitar and starts playing and singing random songs. :D He's funny.

Sigh, then it was boring till lunch came.. I got myself to go over there.. almost in tears as it is.. then I talk to him.. and sigh..
Well.
He made it clear he doesn't love me anymore.
I give up.. I can't go on.. loving him like this.. for no reason..

I felt better when I got home.. went in the shower..got my scissors.. and yeah..
thats about 9 or 10 new scars on my left arm/hand now.. eh doing that really does help..even though it may sound insane..it helps.. and, it stops me thinking about it for alittle one..
But aside from that.

^-^ Chris is there for me, I mean, he even complimented my hair. x]
He's so cool..he even offered to speak to Kayle for me.. but, yeah, as I said.. I think I give up now. I feel like shit which could be why I'm saying this but, I really..don't want to deal with it anymore..

And, recently like, I'm actually becoming closer to Andrew, not in that way but, like, as if we're really close friends again, which, I love.
We kind of drifted apart for awhile.. but, just, I'm glad we're close again.
He be's amazing. :D

I've drifted apart from Jacqob though, although, I think since he's unhappy and I can't help, its best to leave him be I think.

Well, hopefully tomorrows a better day for me. The new cuts start healing, He doesn't speak to me, and I just, sit there and spend the day to myself.. Sigh.

Fucknuckle.

Today today today... (The title is just a random word Nikeasha called Daniel when he was unhooking her bra I laughed so hard) :D

Well.. I failed my maths test, terribly.
I made a new friend, called Daniel, He only started talking to me because my hair is really soft, so, my nickname is now Fluffy, and he's Teddy because his hairs like a teddy bears fur. :3

Then Dylans been talking to me quite alot lately, which I love, I mean Dylans awesome. :D

Then, guess things started to get bad when Reon offered to go get Kayle, he didn't stop even though I said no, he went upto Kayle lucky Kayle was busy, I wouldn't of known what to say.. sigh..
I love him.. >_<

On the brightside school and my day were both fine, I haven't picked up the scissors yet, now I'm thinking about the bad stuff again, the dreams, my dad, everything. I want to go pick them up but, sigh.
I'm trying not to.


I should also add, since Andrews been putting my name in alot of his blog posts.
:) Thank you for always being there for me Andrew, you mean a fucking lot to me, and, hopefully, I'll always have you as a part of my life.
Your like, the big brother or best friend, I never had around, and, talking to you tonight, has kept my mind off some stuff, so, thats probably why I'm not clutching a pair of scissors right now.
I could say alot more stuff but, you probably already know it.
I'll just end with. ^-^ I love you.

12/8/10

Guess I skipped for the past few days, but I actually have something to write about now.

Today, is definately not my day.
First 2 periods were good fun, then recess came, I went upto Kayle and asked a simple fucking question and he says '' I don't know ''
Sigh..how can you not know if you like someone?
:/

Then theres a bunch of other stuff but thats definately what put me in a bad mood.. >_<
Cbf writing.
Fml.

Truth be told, we're all alittle insane.

Lmao.
You'll never guess what..

Just as, maybe, I thought, things were getting better for me, I hit rock bottom again.

I don't feel like suiciding, but, cutting, yes.
I'm not even going to explain why.. I'm not entirely sure.. I was fine a few hours ago..now I'm..
I'm just..
Sigh.

So I'm still caught in between two people, I'm trying to.. let go of one.. because.. I don't want to stuff up the friendship.. as I think I've mentioned before..
Sigh.
Its hard.
I hate trying to let go of people but it must be done.

Another quite amusing thing.
O_o I'm a loser and I check my horoscope everyday, and, it tells me, I have to try not to listen to the voice in the mind. In other words, I can't lose control.
Then theres the love one.. says something about, today would be a good day to confess something to the one you love, you'll get an unexpected response, ha, funny how I wanted to tell Kayle today but I was scared. Then, Theres another that says something to do with the letter 8 will bring you good news.
Me and Kayle started going out on the 8th of february..sad how I remember the days..it ended on the 25th of may... yeah.. I'm not scary.. -.-'' Sigh, I could never forget those dates.


I don't know I'm going to leave it as that for today.. I'll go have one of my nightmares.. Oh.
I'll talk about my most recent one actually.

everyone I love, everyone I've ever met is infected by a virus.
It turns you into like..this monster type thing.. I was killing them at firstt but they still looked like humans..I came face to face with my brother..he was infected.. I couldn't kill him.. So..
He infected me..then.. I hunted down other surviving humans..
Then, I woke up.

Thats about it.

I'm still hoping. - 8/8/10

I worked alot of things out today, the peaceful atmosphere around me helped me clear my head a bit. Well, not a bit, more like alot.

Even though, I may feel things for two people, I have a relationships with one of them, that, I wouldn't trade for the world, and, I definately don't want to risk that friendship, so, I've decided nothing should happen, Even if I feel I love him, I won't make those same mistakes again. Not this time round. He'll be over me soon anyway, with a new girlfriend, a better one. (: And I'll be happy for him, because, I'll know he's happy.

With the other, I've decided, to take my cousins advice, least, I think I will.. and, I'm going to find out if he still has feelings for me, because, lets face it, I love him, alot, and, I can't stop myself from loving him.. sigh, I think of him almost everyday..

I also figured out that,
This will sound extremely sad,
but,
cutting myself does help.
Alot.
So.. Now when I feel upset.. I guess..my solution is to cut instead of killing myself.

Sigh.
Pretty stupid right?

Also, I'm still worried about Andrew, I love that kid.
I mean..if he does something to himself..and leaves me walking this Earth alone, I will re-kill him. :3 Because, then, me and him wouldn't be able to live in our shoe together in a cloud <3

Jacqob still worries me, scared he'll do something to himself one day, But, guess all I can do is hope he doesn't.



Thats about all for today though..

It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this?

Today..today..today..
Sigh
not exactly the best of days.
I had a good day over-all..but..
this stuff in my head just won't leave me alone,

Couldn't stop thinking about love today, comparing who I'm better with etc..
Sigh
Then my friend said.. don't go out with him again, he's left you so many times and hurt you so badly.

I..can't let go of him.. Its not that easy. >_<

Everything in my brain is completely fucked up...and, I feel as if I'm going to crack any time now, I'm already starting, lashing out at things that make high pitched sounds, lashing out at nurses...
I'm going to end up hurting someone I care about I know it.

>_< no matter how much I want love and want to find the right person for me, I'm not stable enough to handle a relationship.

I find it hard to talk to people about these things, sigh, lately,
I've been saying to people I'm good or I'm ok or nothing to worry about..
I'm lying.
I'm not good - I'm not ok - I'm worried about me, and, I generally dont give a fuck about myself.

One big question I've been asking myself.
How'd I end up this way?
Hating myself.
Being annoyed by people trying to help.
Cutting myself.
Only wanting to be alive so I don't hurt the people I care about.
Being confused about everything.
Always making stupid mistakes..

Sigh. >_< What went wrong?

And another thing that happened today
I snapped at Jacqob, for wanting to suicide.
When, in reality.. I want to do it just as much, So Jacqob, I'm sorry.. really sorry, because, I'm not exactly in the place to say that.. and.. I don't know how your feeling because shit in your life could be worse than mine. Just, I just.. I hate seeing you say you want to kill yourself, because,
Jacqob >_< I think, I might,
love you.
I don't want anything to happen to you.. you've been someone, who's recently gotten close to me and you mean alot to me, I couldn't stand to see you do anything to yourself, especially not that. I'd literally do anything to stop you from doing that. I care to much. I'm sorry.

>_< Sigh,
I need help.

I try so hard.

Ah..right..well.
I went to hospital, and, everything in my spine is good, didn't get all good news though, I knew things for me couldn't be good for to long. I got angry today..for no reason at all.. all that anger I'm repressing is building up, it'll be interesting when I finally crack. Sigh.

>_< Mum always gets my hopes up, ''things will get better Zoe'' - ''I think he still likes you Zoe'' - Things won't get better, and, he doesn't still like me, at all. Sigh, I can't go on loving him forever I need to give up, and, I am, I almost completely don't love him.
I told my mum about this situation with the boys thing she just said ''stay single wait for the right one to come along'' What if the right one doesn't come along? Or, he's right infront of me I just don't see it.
I'm trying to give up on love, but, its a feeling I can't help, So, guess I can't.

I don't remember much from today, things are all blurred, Although, I did wish upon a star today, not like it does anything, but, was worth a shot.
Gawd, I love the night sky. :3

I'm spending tomorrow with Sarah, so, that'll take my mind off everything, might cheer me up a bit too, then, theres school monday, back to the fighting, bitchyness and girls who can't get enough of themselves.

I don't know my feelings much anymore.
All I know is, even though I have nightmares alot, I'm happier dreaming.

5/8/10

Today,
I've actually felt..good? Like, when I feel down, I try think of something else and today its working. ^-^

Aside from that
I still have that big worrying feeling, :/ Although this time its for tomorrow. I'm going to hospital. I'm freaken praying that everythings ok, thats how worried I am.

Last night I had the dreams, you know, the not good ones.
It was of my childhood.. when.. my dad almost blew up my house and would of killed everyone in it.. and something woke my mum up and she saved us.. except in the dream, i was the person waking her up. It was the weirdest thing ever.

Then last night, I also had one of my lovey dovey dreams, wasn't Kayle this time, I mean I fell asleep thinking of Kayle but ended up dreaming of being with someone who isn't him. Also, the weirdest thing ever.

I don't know what to write, my days are just blurred now, but, I made a promise to myself last night, that, no matter what, I won't commit suicide.. to look after the people I care about. I'll always be there for them, no matter how much pain I'm in.

Hm.

I feel myself getting worse and worse as the days go by,
My thoughts are getting worse I..just.. I don't know whats wrong with me.

Melody knows about me being like this now, sigh, wish I didn't open up about anything.. She said I'm getting depressed and I need to get help..
I'm getting help.. Its just a matter of when I will recieve that help..

Is it so hard to be happy? Like everyone else? >_< I want to be normal.

Sigh I told Melody about my thoughts aswell...where..I hear things that didn't even happen, like hearing something fall but nothing did, hearing someones moan when nobody is around.

Maybe I'm just losing my mind?


But about my day..
I got really worried about Billy today..sigh.. he locked himself in his room.. I was scared.. he'd be either destroying his skin..or going to kill himself.. I hate him being by himself when he's unhappy I know its normal and everything for someone to be alone in their room..but I can't stand it.. the thought of him doing what I do to myself.. >_<


I don't know anymore.
My life isn't even that bad.. I just feel down constantly.

I've been thinking about what my cousin said, that, I'll know who I love because the moment will just seem right. She also told me to write everything about the two people on a piece of paper and see who has more things to like, theres only 1 thing I like more about one than the other.
Fail.

Loves the least of my worryings right now, Although, it would be nice to know who exactly I love but then, if I were to go out with them, they'd get sick of me constantly complaining about my problems and constantly having to help me.. it'd be to much pressure on him.. :/

even though, I said I don't care about myself.. I'm actually starting to worry about myself, whats happening to me?

Am I Worth It?

No.
I'm not.
At all.

Takes alot for someone to do something stupid..but sometimes that stupid thing.. was a good choice.


Sigh.

3-8-10. This is what you've always feared

:3 Usual day, usual feelings - still feeling like ending it all. Aren't I just wonderful? - Don't know why I'm still holding on. I'll do it one day.. and maybe..nobody will notice..infact..if I keep acting happy and walking around with my fake smile, they won't even expect it. >_< Not even sure why I want to do it exactly, I just, feel like complete shit and feels like, I'm trapped and nobody can help me. I've got a few reasons to do it.. I mean.. I haven't exactly lived the best life.. shit childhood..shit life.. then by the age of 11 I wanted to commit suicide. Although back then, I didn't think much of it or do anything about it.. now, I'm almost 14, and, I still haven't done anything about it now its gotten to the point where I'm so close to commiting suicide.. :/ I told my mum.. and she said about going to the psych but theres waiting lists.

I don't want my brother to end up like me..even though..he already is starting to, I don't want him to go through the pain I go through everyday, I just, I want to help him, but I can't even help myself..

Sigh. Had nightmares again last night.. there starting to become clearer..like, I had 2 dreams last night, one seemed very realistic..and so did the other..but the first one...well.. Sharron was right, I am angry at someone, and, I know who it is now, it makes sense now.. I'm not only angry at that person.. I'm upset.. they made me feel, so, unloved, and, I don't understand how he could of done that to his own daughter. Sigh. Least one dream made sense..the other was just unleashing all my anger in my head.


I don't even want to mention love in this blog but I guess I should let it out.
- I'm glad I finally admitted to Jacqob I like him.. but..there was no point in telling him when, I'm to scared to do anything about it. I'm pathetic.

I keep telling myself things will get better just like I keep telling Jacqob that, I really think things will get better for him though..
And he said if we always look in the past we won't be able to forward.. I live in my past, I can't let things go, at all. I won't be going to far in life. >_< I know it.

So now, I find myself laying down, terribly sick, listening to music..
And a line of lyrics caught my attention. ''Make a move while your still breathing'' :l Its so true..and, I probably should make a move while I'm still breathing,
knowing my luck I'll jump into a relationship, commit suicide, and, break someone apart in pieces, sounds like something I'd do.

I feel soo...down right now.. and, I can't help myself..at all..
I doubt anybody else could either.
I should just, sigh. Nevermind. >_<

:')

I love how he can make me laugh so much even when I'm having the darkest days. >_< Gah.
He's amazing.


Sigh,
If only love was a simple thing to me.. if only I didn't get so hurt by relationships..
Then maybe, just maybe, I'd get my mind straight, and, be happy again, with someone.

Not again..

Fuck

:/
I feel like doing it again..
Or,
Maybe further than that..
I feel like.. complete shit..its not because of confusion this time.. I know full well why I feel like it.. I just.. I don't know anymore,

Gawd,
This is.. I..just.. I don't know..
D:

2/8/10

It's funny how yesterday..he was in my mind and now he's not at all? But the other person is?
- Confusing.

I dropped by the school today, Sharron clinged onto me like glue :') I love her so much<3
Then I saw Hilston.. God I love that guy he's so funny, always brightens up my day. Hopefully he'll be ok for whenever he gets operated on I'll fucking miss him when he's gone!

My last note shall be: I don't want to be in love anymore, it hurts to be in love with someone, but, not be able to hold them.
Sigh.
I want love.. I want to feel some sort of happiness in that area, but, I just can't right now.
:/ Sigh.

August 1st.

Today was alright, and, I felt fine, just, Kayle came into my mind again..shit like that brings tears to my eyes. Sigh. I'm not going back out with him..unless I'm sure it'll work out.. :/ Infact, I don't really want to go into any relationship unless it'll work out.

I've been so confused lately.
But,
I'll figure it all out soon enough.. Even if I don't.. I'll be fine. I always am.

I don't dream anymore, sigh. Nothing at all. I don't know what else to put on here about today all I can say is..
I hate love, and, I hate being like this, I think I may like two people?
Whore much? :/

31/7/10.

-
Overall, I had a pretty great day, and, I've been happy the whole day! So, thats a big step up.. I don't know how long it'll last though, but, hey, I'm enjoying it while it lasts. :D

Todays events:
Mikayla's so funny, I love her. ^-^ + I think Jacqob's pretty fucking amazing, I love that guy, He also let me cut his hair so I was all happy about that..

I can't be fucked writing everything about it, I'm to tired, :/ All I'ma say is, Definately, the best day I've had in a few months.

30th Of July.

Sigh.
All together, my days been reasonably good but, I can't seem to get rid of this feeling inside me >_< It's killing me..
The more I try figure out what it is the more my head starts to hurt.
I've had a constant headache for the past 3 or 4 days now, I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know what to think..

I have major problems..and I really want to say things to alot of people..but.. I can't because, I'm scared? >_<

I'm a failure.

I know I've already posted my blog for today but, nobody's online to talk to about these things that are destroying me inside, I don't even think I'd trust telling anyone anyways.

:/ Sigh.
I've been basically wondering back and forth in my room for awhile now, So many things are going through my head I can't think straight.
After he went offline.
I felt dead, - though I wish I was - That dead feeling then went to worrying and from worrying it led to something else that brought tears to my eyes. What would happen if he did really go? - I don't think I'd be able to handle it, hell, the tiniest little upset right now would be enough just to finish me off. I'm trying to stay strong on the outside but on the inside I've completely broken down.

Atleast, today, I did something I can be proud of? I made Melody see sense..she took my advice..and she helped me in return..

It's funny how what I thought was true love faded so quickly. Who am I kidding, I don't know what love is, I want to know, But, I don't. - I hate love. - I don't want to love anyone..so when I finally do, I think, I'll deny it. - Thats what I'm doing right now, repressing this love I think I have for someone.. although.. I'm not 100% sure.. :/ Sigh, I don't know.

I remember posting on this blog that, I feel most depressed when I'm alone.. I've been alone for awhile now and atleast an hour or two ago.. I picked up 2 pairs of scissors.. and, I had to basically fight myself to put them down.
I'm just hoping things get better.. least, one day, I'd like my dreams to come true, my brothers happy, I have a good job, I find someone who's willing to basically die for me, I have kids then, I die. Not to much of a dream is it? But thats my dream.. Knowing my luck, it won't happen. None of them will.

I'm wondering if I should say to mum I want to move back to England..or even move to Canada.. Lets face it, I hate this place I'm only here for the people... if I left, then, Sharron would get her school work done, Jacqob could stop loving me and save himself the pain of me hurting him, Melody..well she could go out with any guy she wanted to and I wouldn't be there to say he's no good.. Sigh.

Things need to change before I do something I don't want to.. >_<
I have a killer headache from all this thinking... Sigh, I'm a mess.

Dear Agony, Please let go of me.

I slept through most of today, sleepings the best place for me even though I have bad dreams, I don't think in my sleep and if I don't think then I don't think of the hurtful things.

Yesterday, I got into a conversation with my mum, saying that, I think I might have depression, it's not terribly bad but anyway, she's letting me go see a psych in a few months.. she said if I do have it, she won't be putting me on pills? So, I don't really want to know if I have it or not, it won't change a thing.
Also yesterday, I had Sharron sort out my dreams and whats going on in my mind.. she said I have alot of repressed anger..and I'm angry at someone I love.. she's right. :/ she also said, I'm still the same me I've always been, the depressed one and in my dreams the creatures I see are what used to be me, I used to see myself as a monster and I continuously try kill it. - It always comes back. - I hate how she's always so right. >_<

These days I'm left worrying about my brother awhole lot, I keep telling him I love him and I'm always going to be there for him but I'm scared one day, he'll do what I'm thinking of doing. - He's the same as me or atleast getting there, which..is sad to watch I don't want him turning out like me, at all. :/

I also worry about Andrew.. and recently..worrying alot about Jacqob, I love those guys and I'm honestly freaken hoping they don't do anything to themselves..

Aside from the worrying though.. I still have that one thing on my mind, Sigh, I think I like him, I'm not saying love because, its not that yet, but, I think I like him, he's in my dreams now, but, I don't want to do anything about it.. anything at all, :/ I fear relationships now, scared of hurting someone else, or, scared of them hurting me, I don't think I'll be able to handle a long relationship, I'd get myself to worked up and worried.

Lifes confusing for me right now.

But as always, music gets me through it<3

28th Of July.

Day starts -- bad dreams are over -- Arrive late to school once again. -- On my way to options class, I see Kayle, -.-'' my mind become cloudy I look down, I see him turn around and laugh, not sure if his laugh was directed at me or not, either way, I got pretty annoyed, and he's all gangsta again? I hope he knows what he's getting himself into because for once in my useless life, when someone happens to him, I don't think I'll be there to pick up the pieces he can move on with his life now because I'm clearly, not involved in his.

Back to the point of what happened in my day.. it's second period, options class, I swear I'm going to punch Frank in the face though, the amount of times he turned off my computer today, it's not even funny. :l

Nothing interested happened till maths class, I actually felt, happy, which I haven't felt in a few weeks.. actually, I haven't felt that happy since I hung out with Jacqob, or atleast smiled/laughed as much.

Science -- I had Sharron be my psych that lesson, figure out my dreams and after hearing what she said, I think she's right? I used to see myself as a monster and in my dreams I continuously try kill it, but I'm still the same depressed person inside and I'm also really angry at someone. -- Although, I'm not that angry at anyone I just never show my anger when I am angry so it's a build up.

But the whole day its the same things playing over and over in my head, sigh, I don't know what to do about it.

Lately I've been so tired I can never figure anything out, I've spent my nights talking to either Melody, Jacqob or Sharron. >_< When I'm in conversations with them I never want them to end.

Sigh, I'm scared of what'll happen soon I think, :/ Mine and Jacqob's relationship might end up like mine and Kayles? Friends > Best friends > Him liking me > Me liking him > Going out > Breaking up > Not talking or ever having a close relationship again?
-.-
That'll be a nightmare coming to life.
+
I hell reckon Jacqob stalks my blogs now, so, I'm only writing stuff its ok for him to read. xD Is sorry Jacqob.

I hate the feeling of caring.

He should see sense, really, he should. I'm bad news.

Is there anyway to stop him from loving me? I don't care about what I want anymore, hell, I don't even really care what happens to me anymore, my mind can continue driving me insane for the rest of my life with the confusion and everything, But I just, I can't stand the thought of hurting him.
He'd be better off without me I think. I want him to be happy, I couldn't make that happen in a squillion years.. he deserves to be happy.

-.- Anyone who reads my blog is going to think I'm just a slut who wants every guy in the world, everything I write on here basically involves loves I've noticed, but sigh, I don't know what I want and the last thing I want is to hurt another person again, even if I didn't hurt Kayle that badly, I can't stand the thought of having someone else feel that way, feel, left behind? Unloved? That everything they were told was all a lie?

I hate myself.. completely.. for every wrong I've done, every person I've hurt.. I know what your thinking, emo right? Yeah I'm used to being called that.


I've noticed lately.. I'm only depressed when I'm alone because thats when my mind can speak to me the most, but, I want to be alone I'll admit it I fucking hate thinking of everything in my life thats gone wrong whenever I'm alone, but if I'm alone I cannot hurt others, and, as time goes by they'd forget about me.
Sigh.
Running away would be a nice option right now.

Another emotional outlet. :/

Sigh, I've worked out one thing in my head, but I can't work out the other, everything about the thought just spirals around my head, There's reasons why I think that and reasons why I don't.. Even if I found the conclussion of it.. I wouldn't want it to happen, wouldn't want anything to happen.
Guess, I'm scared.

I broke a promise to him.
I did it.
And honestly, it fucking helped.
Fuck it, fuck the promises, fuck you, you broke promises to me.
So why should I keep mine?

Sigh.

:/ I completely gave up on blogging till now, I guess reading Andrew's blog reminded me of how I actually do have a blogspot account which I haven't used since before the surgery...

Lets not recount on time thats past since I last blogged.. It'll go on forever.
I have a squillion things to complain about right now, so, why not complain about it on a blog? Fuck yeah!

Lets start with... I know I'm young, and I probably know nothing at all, but.. lifes hard and things that I used to be living for, are disappearing, and half the time these days I feel like giving up, everything, everyone and just end it all.

But, I never do, I've tried, but I never do, Sigh, I can't leave my friends or family.. At the moment the only people making me happy are Sharron and Jacqob theres also Melody but.. lately she's been seeming, sad, and, I don't want to do anything, help or anything because I'm scared she could get mad with me, she truely does worry me sometimes. But I mean Sharron may not understand things in the best way and she may not know what it feels like to be me, but she's always there and always has been when things first started to get tough back in '08 she was my shoulder to cry on and I freaken hope I never lose her. She makes me laugh and smile so easily, I'm so happy with her, sounds gay right? Yeah, I know, and recently, she's been helping me at school carrying books, coming to the office with me, carrying my bag since I can't.. :/ She's just always there and I doubt I'll ever be able to repay her for it.

And Jacqob, he's making me feel happy because, he understands. He's felt the way I feel. Even though this will sound mean... I'm glad he has felt the way I feel, it makes him so understanding and it's just good to have someone there who understands and me and him have become really good friends lately and I consider him as a best friend again. I honestly wouldn't trade it for the world.

Then theres that other person... sigh, he's still keeping me alive..even if.. we don't talk much, he doesn't know it but... I love him >_< No matter how much of a douche he turns into.. Letting go..is to hard.. he's still my everything. Even if he doesn't care about me much anymore.. I see he's happy..and thats enough for me.

Love hurts and lifes just, tough. Even though maybe I thought the surgery I had would make my life better, it really didn't change much at all, I'm still as, unhappy as I was before.

Sigh. Every thought that goes through my head now is depressing in some way.
:/ Eh, pretty fucked up for a 13 year old right? Things in my life, never stay good for long.

Down down down to rock bottom.

Andddd i've reached the bottom of the ocean, the bottom of everything, getting back to the top will take alot of work,

in 13 days my whole life could come crumbling down to ashes if this surgery fails, what would mum and Billy do without me? lets face it im the strongest one out of us 3, today they were both crying but I stayed strong.

Beeen...around 5 days without hearing from dad, where is he? is he ok? has he left mine and Billys lifes completely.. :'( I dont know what i did, or anyone else in my family did to deserve this pain, but i've got it badddd, im not the worst off person in the world i know..but.. its pretty bad..and itll only be a matter of 1 or 2 days before i crack..its becoming to much to handle and everything feels like its coming to an end even though its not,

How much longer before I crack? :(

Another Bad Day.

Todays Feeling: Lonely.

Heh, first time in a long time..I've actually felt like a part of me is missing, my dads gone back to England and I haven't heard from him in days.. will he ever contact me and my brother again? Or is this the end? I love him with all my heart I mean he's my dad, but I blame myself for him leaving, He said, part of the reason he's leaving is because he can't see me go through hospital and have this huge surgery, he can't stand to see me suffer.. so maybe..if I didn't need the surgery..maybe..he'd still be here..?

And now without dads money, mums struggling, she had to sell things today just to buy food, and by food I mean..frozen dinners, microwave oven things, my surgerys in 2 weeks and things keep getting worse and worse the closer it gets, I have to try stay strong for my younger brother though..he's going to see a phsych. soon, and he needs me to be there,who knows I might be there talking to the phsych with him. >.> This family, this life, is going down hill.

And again...

-.-''
So again i find myself writing this stuff on a blog, but i mean, i need to tell someone and a blogs close enough to a person.

i dont know what to do anymore, relationships stress me out, so i've been thinking lately...maybe i should go through my school years without a boyfriend, but i know if i left him, id only come back to him because i love him to much, and if i came back...it could be to late, i think i might just..
see where this ends up...see what happens.. i'll try talk to him on monday.. and see what happens from then on.

I don't know anymore.

So i find myself completely...i dont even know,
im thinking on the worst of everything but im trying to change
but i dont know,
i continue being myself.. hating most things...but still i find myself trying my hardest to make the change and fix myself up, just, i dont know.
i want to go back to school, it takes my mind off everything and im with my friends and boyfriend everythings just better, and i never feel this way....i need to get back there soon or i dont know....

i know things and everything could be sooo sooo much worse for me but, i dont know i need to stop complaining -.-

11/4/10

Soo, hmm yeah today was ok really relaxing nothing really happened. Gaah i miss my boyfriend so much, I want to go back to school I need him I love him so much. I miss my friends at school too... everythings so so boring.. so now I find myself being a sad person...writing blogs everyday about nothing? Now im on my tablets too, maybe thats why i felt relaxed today, I dont know anymore, I feel...different..

10/4/10.

Well... today i didn't do much and i didn't feel much i just felt like changing my life around but i've been working on that for awhile... and well i'm now on tablets, there huge, luckily i can crush them up :D there meant to help my brain, make me concerntrate, stress relief, good skin and keep my immune system up soo..atleast now i wont get sick as easily? i haven't taken one yet..i'll take my first tomorrow straight after breakfast :( i have to start eating breakfast now, because of these tablets...but apart from the tablet things, i spent the whole day with my mum and dad, and dad wasn't drunk which i enjoyed... so all together it was a pretty good day, i'm going to own upto it now though i miss my backbrace, its so cold at night without its plasticness.. i'll get used to sleeping like a normal person i guess.

I really want to go back to school i'm dying without being in my boyfriends arms.. i've never really felt this way about anybody before so i guess thats a sign of true love right? i really hope so. He means the world to me. Anddd... >.> I bet he's going to read this at some stage.. HI KAYLE!? xD

Continues with this blog,
so, i miss my friends too...and i'm missing school work? even though i hate school so much..i miss it.. but i have another week and a half till i go back. Gosh.

Happiest day of my life.

:) Well, where do i even start? I guess I'll start from when I woke up...so I woke up thinking it'll be a really crappy day, and that hospital was going to be just loads of bad news, So I put my backbrace on, I felt so much pain within 30 minutes i wanted to take it off but i didnt i held on and left it i got to the hospital i felt my hip crushing and cracking i had to take it off so i did, i got sent upto x-rays, wasn't to bad i guess... they'll be way worse things happening before the surgery, so, basically that was the x-rays over with... then i had to get out of their gown and into my clothes again and from there i went to see my surgeon, and he was telling me everything thatll happen then i said how i couldnt breathe while in my backbrace, and it was bruising me badly, thats why i heard the words ''aw how about we take it away earlier?'' instantly i smiled and my first words were ''are you serious?'' he said ''i dont see why not its only 9 weeks'' then i cried of happiness...gaah it felt so good to know that the thing that caused me so much torture and pain and emotional pain was finally gone, im so glad....my scoliosis journey is almost over just the hardest part is coming up shortly, the real surgery, i can do it though, i know i can and i will, well nobody will really understand why this is the happiest day of my life...because i doubt you know how much pain i was in for those 2 years in that plastic torture chamber, i'll never forget this day... high 5 to the future :D Screw the past.


thank god its almost all over, bring on the surgery im so ready to live the good life as a normal person :)

Today..hasn't been to bad.

So, I guess I should start of by saying today I'm feeling...reasonably good, I can still feel the pressure and stress but today, its bareable.

I spoke to my mum about the surgery today, and how I was feeling, maybe thats why I'm feeling better today? The bad thing about it was, we were talking about it in the shops..and it made me cry, luckily, I dont think anybody noticed.. It'll be hard saying goodbye to her before the surgery, I dont even want to imagine how scared she'll be about her daughter under going one of the most serious surgerys anybody could have.. I dont really want this surgery...honestly... I think i'd rather die.. but I have to do it..for the people I love. I know what ever happens I'll still have them around...I just don't enjoy thinking about how distraught some of them will be while I'm in hospital.

As these weeks go by I feel more and more afraid, I fear that soon I'll start crying myself to sleep.. So, yeah I guess I'm being really really dramatic about this whole surgery thing, but I've never been operated on before, I have a fear of hospitals and nurses and doctors. This is harder to deal with than I ever imagined... when I was 11 I never thought I'd end up like this before the surgery I never even thought I'd need the surgery I was hoping for a miricle and I still am.. Even though I doubt a miricle will happen within the next 9 weeks I might aswell forget it..
Today.. I felt like doing something I knew I'd regret, I never did it. I couldn't.... I'm glad I didn't..


I'm thinking of getting mental help soon.. or atleast taking pills to control my emotions.. I might talk to mum about it tomorrow..

Well I'm going to complete withdraw this away from the bad stuff... and I'm just going to say it... I miss Melody and Sharron, they bring the smile to my face and make the days pass with happiness... even though they get pissed off with me easily... But more than that.. I miss my boyfriend more, I often wonder why he's with someone like me I'm completely messed up... and I must be hard to manage at times... And I know he's scared about my surgery aswell.. I wish I didn't have to have this surgery.. everyone could be happy... I'd be alot happier... I could just finally be normal... I guess my dad was right...life gets harder when you get older... but then I look at him now.. completely depressed and wanting to kill himself, I don't want to be like that when I'm his age... It's hard enough just seeing him like that... I'm wondering how life turned out this bad for me.. I guess things started to go down hill when I moved countries.. even though I've met the bestestest people in the world over here... I just wonder maybe if I never moved here...maybe things could be better? either way, its to late now...and I just have to hope the future will be better hopefully it will, I know it will...
Just have to hold on till then I guess.

Life is failing at the moment, I'm falling deeper and deeper into spiralling depression.. Why, do these things happen to me? Why is all this pressure put down on me? I don't know why I take things so personally, I shouldn't even think this way at the age of 13, I shouldn't be thinking about ending my life to escape the things I'm going through. I know this isn't right, I know I need to change but I can't yet, Not yet. It's to hard, and I can't give up on life yet, because of the people I love I could never hurt them that much, I want to get through this rough patch in my life, but I'm struggling. Their are people out there the same as me, same problems same everything but nobody will ever know how it feels to be just like me, because its my brain that things this way.
Do you know what its like, to feel like your being ripped apart everyday? I do.
Do you know what its like to go through so much pain, that you just want to end it all? I do.
Do you know what its like to want to be so angry at yourself, you want to throw yourself out of the car? I do.
Do you know what its like, to know your dying? I do.
Do you know what its like to go to the doctors every month of your life? I do.
Do you know what its like to appear completely messed up to other people? I do.
Do you know what its like to be so close to death? I do.
All the things I feel shouldn't be felt by a 13 year old.... so...why do I feel this way?