Would you ever leave me, for someone who deserves you most?

Ah
same feelings as always.
Suicidal urge getting stronger.
Head aching like fuck.

But just to top it off, a facebook group brought back a memory of him, I can't stand it, I hate not being with him..but, he won't ever take me back and I can't blame him.
Its not just that its, other things too.
Just.

Idk
fuck it all.

Fml.

:/
Well, got to school, even though I had a jacket on, Sharrons comes up and rolls up my sleeves.
Then she's instantly unhappy.
Sigh.
Wish I wasn't this way.

I just, I've felt really down all day.. I sat in the shower.. and just.. wanted to end it all again.
Sigh.
I keep just, well, just, living everyday, life will be over soon.
Could always overdose.. maybe alcohol poisoning.. eh.
:/ I don't know there the 2 ways I want to do it..

I don't know anymore.

Temptation to pick up the scissors is getting strong. I just annoyed Andrew by saying I was going to cut myself in the corner after him calling me a name.
Eh.
I feel like it.
But not because of that.
:/

Sigh.
Well.
Dylan told me how he'll be deaf soon.. I love that guy.. so much.. he's amazing, even though people always make him feel like shit.
He's amazing, and, I wish he didn't have to go through all these medical problems.. ]:

Also, Chris is here for me.
:D he's also amazing.

He told Kayle I cried yesterday, Chris said Kayle didn't show any emotion, he didn't care.
Fuck him.
I'm done with it.

:D Chris said he's gonna slap me if I fall for Kayle again, don't want that happening. x] He's got big hands.

I don't know, least I've got people around me who care about me, I gotta stay alive for them.
Even though I don't want too.

You'll care when you see I'm not chasing you anymore.

I hate when people ask, ''what you doing?'' and your in the middle of.. destroying your skin.. sigh.


So.. I full on freak out at school because I'm so afraid of his reaction.. He wasn't around at recess.. so I sat down and thought over things, then, Aaron comes over with his guitar and starts playing and singing random songs. :D He's funny.

Sigh, then it was boring till lunch came.. I got myself to go over there.. almost in tears as it is.. then I talk to him.. and sigh..
Well.
He made it clear he doesn't love me anymore.
I give up.. I can't go on.. loving him like this.. for no reason..

I felt better when I got home.. went in the shower..got my scissors.. and yeah..
thats about 9 or 10 new scars on my left arm/hand now.. eh doing that really does help..even though it may sound insane..it helps.. and, it stops me thinking about it for alittle one..
But aside from that.

^-^ Chris is there for me, I mean, he even complimented my hair. x]
He's so cool..he even offered to speak to Kayle for me.. but, yeah, as I said.. I think I give up now. I feel like shit which could be why I'm saying this but, I really..don't want to deal with it anymore..

And, recently like, I'm actually becoming closer to Andrew, not in that way but, like, as if we're really close friends again, which, I love.
We kind of drifted apart for awhile.. but, just, I'm glad we're close again.
He be's amazing. :D

I've drifted apart from Jacqob though, although, I think since he's unhappy and I can't help, its best to leave him be I think.

Well, hopefully tomorrows a better day for me. The new cuts start healing, He doesn't speak to me, and I just, sit there and spend the day to myself.. Sigh.

Fucknuckle.

Today today today... (The title is just a random word Nikeasha called Daniel when he was unhooking her bra I laughed so hard) :D

Well.. I failed my maths test, terribly.
I made a new friend, called Daniel, He only started talking to me because my hair is really soft, so, my nickname is now Fluffy, and he's Teddy because his hairs like a teddy bears fur. :3

Then Dylans been talking to me quite alot lately, which I love, I mean Dylans awesome. :D

Then, guess things started to get bad when Reon offered to go get Kayle, he didn't stop even though I said no, he went upto Kayle lucky Kayle was busy, I wouldn't of known what to say.. sigh..
I love him.. >_<

On the brightside school and my day were both fine, I haven't picked up the scissors yet, now I'm thinking about the bad stuff again, the dreams, my dad, everything. I want to go pick them up but, sigh.
I'm trying not to.


I should also add, since Andrews been putting my name in alot of his blog posts.
:) Thank you for always being there for me Andrew, you mean a fucking lot to me, and, hopefully, I'll always have you as a part of my life.
Your like, the big brother or best friend, I never had around, and, talking to you tonight, has kept my mind off some stuff, so, thats probably why I'm not clutching a pair of scissors right now.
I could say alot more stuff but, you probably already know it.
I'll just end with. ^-^ I love you.

12/8/10

Guess I skipped for the past few days, but I actually have something to write about now.

Today, is definately not my day.
First 2 periods were good fun, then recess came, I went upto Kayle and asked a simple fucking question and he says '' I don't know ''
Sigh..how can you not know if you like someone?
:/

Then theres a bunch of other stuff but thats definately what put me in a bad mood.. >_<
Cbf writing.
Fml.

Truth be told, we're all alittle insane.

Lmao.
You'll never guess what..

Just as, maybe, I thought, things were getting better for me, I hit rock bottom again.

I don't feel like suiciding, but, cutting, yes.
I'm not even going to explain why.. I'm not entirely sure.. I was fine a few hours ago..now I'm..
I'm just..
Sigh.

So I'm still caught in between two people, I'm trying to.. let go of one.. because.. I don't want to stuff up the friendship.. as I think I've mentioned before..
Sigh.
Its hard.
I hate trying to let go of people but it must be done.

Another quite amusing thing.
O_o I'm a loser and I check my horoscope everyday, and, it tells me, I have to try not to listen to the voice in the mind. In other words, I can't lose control.
Then theres the love one.. says something about, today would be a good day to confess something to the one you love, you'll get an unexpected response, ha, funny how I wanted to tell Kayle today but I was scared. Then, Theres another that says something to do with the letter 8 will bring you good news.
Me and Kayle started going out on the 8th of february..sad how I remember the days..it ended on the 25th of may... yeah.. I'm not scary.. -.-'' Sigh, I could never forget those dates.


I don't know I'm going to leave it as that for today.. I'll go have one of my nightmares.. Oh.
I'll talk about my most recent one actually.

everyone I love, everyone I've ever met is infected by a virus.
It turns you into like..this monster type thing.. I was killing them at firstt but they still looked like humans..I came face to face with my brother..he was infected.. I couldn't kill him.. So..
He infected me..then.. I hunted down other surviving humans..
Then, I woke up.

Thats about it.

I'm still hoping. - 8/8/10

I worked alot of things out today, the peaceful atmosphere around me helped me clear my head a bit. Well, not a bit, more like alot.

Even though, I may feel things for two people, I have a relationships with one of them, that, I wouldn't trade for the world, and, I definately don't want to risk that friendship, so, I've decided nothing should happen, Even if I feel I love him, I won't make those same mistakes again. Not this time round. He'll be over me soon anyway, with a new girlfriend, a better one. (: And I'll be happy for him, because, I'll know he's happy.

With the other, I've decided, to take my cousins advice, least, I think I will.. and, I'm going to find out if he still has feelings for me, because, lets face it, I love him, alot, and, I can't stop myself from loving him.. sigh, I think of him almost everyday..

I also figured out that,
This will sound extremely sad,
but,
cutting myself does help.
Alot.
So.. Now when I feel upset.. I guess..my solution is to cut instead of killing myself.

Sigh.
Pretty stupid right?

Also, I'm still worried about Andrew, I love that kid.
I mean..if he does something to himself..and leaves me walking this Earth alone, I will re-kill him. :3 Because, then, me and him wouldn't be able to live in our shoe together in a cloud <3

Jacqob still worries me, scared he'll do something to himself one day, But, guess all I can do is hope he doesn't.



Thats about all for today though..

It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this?

Today..today..today..
Sigh
not exactly the best of days.
I had a good day over-all..but..
this stuff in my head just won't leave me alone,

Couldn't stop thinking about love today, comparing who I'm better with etc..
Sigh
Then my friend said.. don't go out with him again, he's left you so many times and hurt you so badly.

I..can't let go of him.. Its not that easy. >_<

Everything in my brain is completely fucked up...and, I feel as if I'm going to crack any time now, I'm already starting, lashing out at things that make high pitched sounds, lashing out at nurses...
I'm going to end up hurting someone I care about I know it.

>_< no matter how much I want love and want to find the right person for me, I'm not stable enough to handle a relationship.

I find it hard to talk to people about these things, sigh, lately,
I've been saying to people I'm good or I'm ok or nothing to worry about..
I'm lying.
I'm not good - I'm not ok - I'm worried about me, and, I generally dont give a fuck about myself.

One big question I've been asking myself.
How'd I end up this way?
Hating myself.
Being annoyed by people trying to help.
Cutting myself.
Only wanting to be alive so I don't hurt the people I care about.
Being confused about everything.
Always making stupid mistakes..

Sigh. >_< What went wrong?

And another thing that happened today
I snapped at Jacqob, for wanting to suicide.
When, in reality.. I want to do it just as much, So Jacqob, I'm sorry.. really sorry, because, I'm not exactly in the place to say that.. and.. I don't know how your feeling because shit in your life could be worse than mine. Just, I just.. I hate seeing you say you want to kill yourself, because,
Jacqob >_< I think, I might,
love you.
I don't want anything to happen to you.. you've been someone, who's recently gotten close to me and you mean alot to me, I couldn't stand to see you do anything to yourself, especially not that. I'd literally do anything to stop you from doing that. I care to much. I'm sorry.

>_< Sigh,
I need help.

I try so hard.

Ah..right..well.
I went to hospital, and, everything in my spine is good, didn't get all good news though, I knew things for me couldn't be good for to long. I got angry today..for no reason at all.. all that anger I'm repressing is building up, it'll be interesting when I finally crack. Sigh.

>_< Mum always gets my hopes up, ''things will get better Zoe'' - ''I think he still likes you Zoe'' - Things won't get better, and, he doesn't still like me, at all. Sigh, I can't go on loving him forever I need to give up, and, I am, I almost completely don't love him.
I told my mum about this situation with the boys thing she just said ''stay single wait for the right one to come along'' What if the right one doesn't come along? Or, he's right infront of me I just don't see it.
I'm trying to give up on love, but, its a feeling I can't help, So, guess I can't.

I don't remember much from today, things are all blurred, Although, I did wish upon a star today, not like it does anything, but, was worth a shot.
Gawd, I love the night sky. :3

I'm spending tomorrow with Sarah, so, that'll take my mind off everything, might cheer me up a bit too, then, theres school monday, back to the fighting, bitchyness and girls who can't get enough of themselves.

I don't know my feelings much anymore.
All I know is, even though I have nightmares alot, I'm happier dreaming.

5/8/10

Today,
I've actually felt..good? Like, when I feel down, I try think of something else and today its working. ^-^

Aside from that
I still have that big worrying feeling, :/ Although this time its for tomorrow. I'm going to hospital. I'm freaken praying that everythings ok, thats how worried I am.

Last night I had the dreams, you know, the not good ones.
It was of my childhood.. when.. my dad almost blew up my house and would of killed everyone in it.. and something woke my mum up and she saved us.. except in the dream, i was the person waking her up. It was the weirdest thing ever.

Then last night, I also had one of my lovey dovey dreams, wasn't Kayle this time, I mean I fell asleep thinking of Kayle but ended up dreaming of being with someone who isn't him. Also, the weirdest thing ever.

I don't know what to write, my days are just blurred now, but, I made a promise to myself last night, that, no matter what, I won't commit suicide.. to look after the people I care about. I'll always be there for them, no matter how much pain I'm in.

Hm.

I feel myself getting worse and worse as the days go by,
My thoughts are getting worse I..just.. I don't know whats wrong with me.

Melody knows about me being like this now, sigh, wish I didn't open up about anything.. She said I'm getting depressed and I need to get help..
I'm getting help.. Its just a matter of when I will recieve that help..

Is it so hard to be happy? Like everyone else? >_< I want to be normal.

Sigh I told Melody about my thoughts aswell...where..I hear things that didn't even happen, like hearing something fall but nothing did, hearing someones moan when nobody is around.

Maybe I'm just losing my mind?


But about my day..
I got really worried about Billy today..sigh.. he locked himself in his room.. I was scared.. he'd be either destroying his skin..or going to kill himself.. I hate him being by himself when he's unhappy I know its normal and everything for someone to be alone in their room..but I can't stand it.. the thought of him doing what I do to myself.. >_<


I don't know anymore.
My life isn't even that bad.. I just feel down constantly.

I've been thinking about what my cousin said, that, I'll know who I love because the moment will just seem right. She also told me to write everything about the two people on a piece of paper and see who has more things to like, theres only 1 thing I like more about one than the other.
Fail.

Loves the least of my worryings right now, Although, it would be nice to know who exactly I love but then, if I were to go out with them, they'd get sick of me constantly complaining about my problems and constantly having to help me.. it'd be to much pressure on him.. :/

even though, I said I don't care about myself.. I'm actually starting to worry about myself, whats happening to me?

Am I Worth It?

No.
I'm not.
At all.

Takes alot for someone to do something stupid..but sometimes that stupid thing.. was a good choice.


Sigh.

3-8-10. This is what you've always feared

:3 Usual day, usual feelings - still feeling like ending it all. Aren't I just wonderful? - Don't know why I'm still holding on. I'll do it one day.. and maybe..nobody will notice..infact..if I keep acting happy and walking around with my fake smile, they won't even expect it. >_< Not even sure why I want to do it exactly, I just, feel like complete shit and feels like, I'm trapped and nobody can help me. I've got a few reasons to do it.. I mean.. I haven't exactly lived the best life.. shit childhood..shit life.. then by the age of 11 I wanted to commit suicide. Although back then, I didn't think much of it or do anything about it.. now, I'm almost 14, and, I still haven't done anything about it now its gotten to the point where I'm so close to commiting suicide.. :/ I told my mum.. and she said about going to the psych but theres waiting lists.

I don't want my brother to end up like me..even though..he already is starting to, I don't want him to go through the pain I go through everyday, I just, I want to help him, but I can't even help myself..

Sigh. Had nightmares again last night.. there starting to become clearer..like, I had 2 dreams last night, one seemed very realistic..and so did the other..but the first one...well.. Sharron was right, I am angry at someone, and, I know who it is now, it makes sense now.. I'm not only angry at that person.. I'm upset.. they made me feel, so, unloved, and, I don't understand how he could of done that to his own daughter. Sigh. Least one dream made sense..the other was just unleashing all my anger in my head.


I don't even want to mention love in this blog but I guess I should let it out.
- I'm glad I finally admitted to Jacqob I like him.. but..there was no point in telling him when, I'm to scared to do anything about it. I'm pathetic.

I keep telling myself things will get better just like I keep telling Jacqob that, I really think things will get better for him though..
And he said if we always look in the past we won't be able to forward.. I live in my past, I can't let things go, at all. I won't be going to far in life. >_< I know it.

So now, I find myself laying down, terribly sick, listening to music..
And a line of lyrics caught my attention. ''Make a move while your still breathing'' :l Its so true..and, I probably should make a move while I'm still breathing,
knowing my luck I'll jump into a relationship, commit suicide, and, break someone apart in pieces, sounds like something I'd do.

I feel soo...down right now.. and, I can't help myself..at all..
I doubt anybody else could either.
I should just, sigh. Nevermind. >_<

:')

I love how he can make me laugh so much even when I'm having the darkest days. >_< Gah.
He's amazing.


Sigh,
If only love was a simple thing to me.. if only I didn't get so hurt by relationships..
Then maybe, just maybe, I'd get my mind straight, and, be happy again, with someone.

Not again..

Fuck

:/
I feel like doing it again..
Or,
Maybe further than that..
I feel like.. complete shit..its not because of confusion this time.. I know full well why I feel like it.. I just.. I don't know anymore,

Gawd,
This is.. I..just.. I don't know..
D:

2/8/10

It's funny how yesterday..he was in my mind and now he's not at all? But the other person is?
- Confusing.

I dropped by the school today, Sharron clinged onto me like glue :') I love her so much<3
Then I saw Hilston.. God I love that guy he's so funny, always brightens up my day. Hopefully he'll be ok for whenever he gets operated on I'll fucking miss him when he's gone!

My last note shall be: I don't want to be in love anymore, it hurts to be in love with someone, but, not be able to hold them.
Sigh.
I want love.. I want to feel some sort of happiness in that area, but, I just can't right now.
:/ Sigh.

August 1st.

Today was alright, and, I felt fine, just, Kayle came into my mind again..shit like that brings tears to my eyes. Sigh. I'm not going back out with him..unless I'm sure it'll work out.. :/ Infact, I don't really want to go into any relationship unless it'll work out.

I've been so confused lately.
But,
I'll figure it all out soon enough.. Even if I don't.. I'll be fine. I always am.

I don't dream anymore, sigh. Nothing at all. I don't know what else to put on here about today all I can say is..
I hate love, and, I hate being like this, I think I may like two people?
Whore much? :/