31/7/10.

-
Overall, I had a pretty great day, and, I've been happy the whole day! So, thats a big step up.. I don't know how long it'll last though, but, hey, I'm enjoying it while it lasts. :D

Todays events:
Mikayla's so funny, I love her. ^-^ + I think Jacqob's pretty fucking amazing, I love that guy, He also let me cut his hair so I was all happy about that..

I can't be fucked writing everything about it, I'm to tired, :/ All I'ma say is, Definately, the best day I've had in a few months.

30th Of July.

Sigh.
All together, my days been reasonably good but, I can't seem to get rid of this feeling inside me >_< It's killing me..
The more I try figure out what it is the more my head starts to hurt.
I've had a constant headache for the past 3 or 4 days now, I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know what to think..

I have major problems..and I really want to say things to alot of people..but.. I can't because, I'm scared? >_<

I'm a failure.

I know I've already posted my blog for today but, nobody's online to talk to about these things that are destroying me inside, I don't even think I'd trust telling anyone anyways.

:/ Sigh.
I've been basically wondering back and forth in my room for awhile now, So many things are going through my head I can't think straight.
After he went offline.
I felt dead, - though I wish I was - That dead feeling then went to worrying and from worrying it led to something else that brought tears to my eyes. What would happen if he did really go? - I don't think I'd be able to handle it, hell, the tiniest little upset right now would be enough just to finish me off. I'm trying to stay strong on the outside but on the inside I've completely broken down.

Atleast, today, I did something I can be proud of? I made Melody see sense..she took my advice..and she helped me in return..

It's funny how what I thought was true love faded so quickly. Who am I kidding, I don't know what love is, I want to know, But, I don't. - I hate love. - I don't want to love anyone..so when I finally do, I think, I'll deny it. - Thats what I'm doing right now, repressing this love I think I have for someone.. although.. I'm not 100% sure.. :/ Sigh, I don't know.

I remember posting on this blog that, I feel most depressed when I'm alone.. I've been alone for awhile now and atleast an hour or two ago.. I picked up 2 pairs of scissors.. and, I had to basically fight myself to put them down.
I'm just hoping things get better.. least, one day, I'd like my dreams to come true, my brothers happy, I have a good job, I find someone who's willing to basically die for me, I have kids then, I die. Not to much of a dream is it? But thats my dream.. Knowing my luck, it won't happen. None of them will.

I'm wondering if I should say to mum I want to move back to England..or even move to Canada.. Lets face it, I hate this place I'm only here for the people... if I left, then, Sharron would get her school work done, Jacqob could stop loving me and save himself the pain of me hurting him, Melody..well she could go out with any guy she wanted to and I wouldn't be there to say he's no good.. Sigh.

Things need to change before I do something I don't want to.. >_<
I have a killer headache from all this thinking... Sigh, I'm a mess.

Dear Agony, Please let go of me.

I slept through most of today, sleepings the best place for me even though I have bad dreams, I don't think in my sleep and if I don't think then I don't think of the hurtful things.

Yesterday, I got into a conversation with my mum, saying that, I think I might have depression, it's not terribly bad but anyway, she's letting me go see a psych in a few months.. she said if I do have it, she won't be putting me on pills? So, I don't really want to know if I have it or not, it won't change a thing.
Also yesterday, I had Sharron sort out my dreams and whats going on in my mind.. she said I have alot of repressed anger..and I'm angry at someone I love.. she's right. :/ she also said, I'm still the same me I've always been, the depressed one and in my dreams the creatures I see are what used to be me, I used to see myself as a monster and I continuously try kill it. - It always comes back. - I hate how she's always so right. >_<

These days I'm left worrying about my brother awhole lot, I keep telling him I love him and I'm always going to be there for him but I'm scared one day, he'll do what I'm thinking of doing. - He's the same as me or atleast getting there, which..is sad to watch I don't want him turning out like me, at all. :/

I also worry about Andrew.. and recently..worrying alot about Jacqob, I love those guys and I'm honestly freaken hoping they don't do anything to themselves..

Aside from the worrying though.. I still have that one thing on my mind, Sigh, I think I like him, I'm not saying love because, its not that yet, but, I think I like him, he's in my dreams now, but, I don't want to do anything about it.. anything at all, :/ I fear relationships now, scared of hurting someone else, or, scared of them hurting me, I don't think I'll be able to handle a long relationship, I'd get myself to worked up and worried.

Lifes confusing for me right now.

But as always, music gets me through it<3

28th Of July.

Day starts -- bad dreams are over -- Arrive late to school once again. -- On my way to options class, I see Kayle, -.-'' my mind become cloudy I look down, I see him turn around and laugh, not sure if his laugh was directed at me or not, either way, I got pretty annoyed, and he's all gangsta again? I hope he knows what he's getting himself into because for once in my useless life, when someone happens to him, I don't think I'll be there to pick up the pieces he can move on with his life now because I'm clearly, not involved in his.

Back to the point of what happened in my day.. it's second period, options class, I swear I'm going to punch Frank in the face though, the amount of times he turned off my computer today, it's not even funny. :l

Nothing interested happened till maths class, I actually felt, happy, which I haven't felt in a few weeks.. actually, I haven't felt that happy since I hung out with Jacqob, or atleast smiled/laughed as much.

Science -- I had Sharron be my psych that lesson, figure out my dreams and after hearing what she said, I think she's right? I used to see myself as a monster and in my dreams I continuously try kill it, but I'm still the same depressed person inside and I'm also really angry at someone. -- Although, I'm not that angry at anyone I just never show my anger when I am angry so it's a build up.

But the whole day its the same things playing over and over in my head, sigh, I don't know what to do about it.

Lately I've been so tired I can never figure anything out, I've spent my nights talking to either Melody, Jacqob or Sharron. >_< When I'm in conversations with them I never want them to end.

Sigh, I'm scared of what'll happen soon I think, :/ Mine and Jacqob's relationship might end up like mine and Kayles? Friends > Best friends > Him liking me > Me liking him > Going out > Breaking up > Not talking or ever having a close relationship again?
-.-
That'll be a nightmare coming to life.
+
I hell reckon Jacqob stalks my blogs now, so, I'm only writing stuff its ok for him to read. xD Is sorry Jacqob.

I hate the feeling of caring.

He should see sense, really, he should. I'm bad news.

Is there anyway to stop him from loving me? I don't care about what I want anymore, hell, I don't even really care what happens to me anymore, my mind can continue driving me insane for the rest of my life with the confusion and everything, But I just, I can't stand the thought of hurting him.
He'd be better off without me I think. I want him to be happy, I couldn't make that happen in a squillion years.. he deserves to be happy.

-.- Anyone who reads my blog is going to think I'm just a slut who wants every guy in the world, everything I write on here basically involves loves I've noticed, but sigh, I don't know what I want and the last thing I want is to hurt another person again, even if I didn't hurt Kayle that badly, I can't stand the thought of having someone else feel that way, feel, left behind? Unloved? That everything they were told was all a lie?

I hate myself.. completely.. for every wrong I've done, every person I've hurt.. I know what your thinking, emo right? Yeah I'm used to being called that.


I've noticed lately.. I'm only depressed when I'm alone because thats when my mind can speak to me the most, but, I want to be alone I'll admit it I fucking hate thinking of everything in my life thats gone wrong whenever I'm alone, but if I'm alone I cannot hurt others, and, as time goes by they'd forget about me.
Sigh.
Running away would be a nice option right now.

Another emotional outlet. :/

Sigh, I've worked out one thing in my head, but I can't work out the other, everything about the thought just spirals around my head, There's reasons why I think that and reasons why I don't.. Even if I found the conclussion of it.. I wouldn't want it to happen, wouldn't want anything to happen.
Guess, I'm scared.

I broke a promise to him.
I did it.
And honestly, it fucking helped.
Fuck it, fuck the promises, fuck you, you broke promises to me.
So why should I keep mine?

Sigh.

:/ I completely gave up on blogging till now, I guess reading Andrew's blog reminded me of how I actually do have a blogspot account which I haven't used since before the surgery...

Lets not recount on time thats past since I last blogged.. It'll go on forever.
I have a squillion things to complain about right now, so, why not complain about it on a blog? Fuck yeah!

Lets start with... I know I'm young, and I probably know nothing at all, but.. lifes hard and things that I used to be living for, are disappearing, and half the time these days I feel like giving up, everything, everyone and just end it all.

But, I never do, I've tried, but I never do, Sigh, I can't leave my friends or family.. At the moment the only people making me happy are Sharron and Jacqob theres also Melody but.. lately she's been seeming, sad, and, I don't want to do anything, help or anything because I'm scared she could get mad with me, she truely does worry me sometimes. But I mean Sharron may not understand things in the best way and she may not know what it feels like to be me, but she's always there and always has been when things first started to get tough back in '08 she was my shoulder to cry on and I freaken hope I never lose her. She makes me laugh and smile so easily, I'm so happy with her, sounds gay right? Yeah, I know, and recently, she's been helping me at school carrying books, coming to the office with me, carrying my bag since I can't.. :/ She's just always there and I doubt I'll ever be able to repay her for it.

And Jacqob, he's making me feel happy because, he understands. He's felt the way I feel. Even though this will sound mean... I'm glad he has felt the way I feel, it makes him so understanding and it's just good to have someone there who understands and me and him have become really good friends lately and I consider him as a best friend again. I honestly wouldn't trade it for the world.

Then theres that other person... sigh, he's still keeping me alive..even if.. we don't talk much, he doesn't know it but... I love him >_< No matter how much of a douche he turns into.. Letting go..is to hard.. he's still my everything. Even if he doesn't care about me much anymore.. I see he's happy..and thats enough for me.

Love hurts and lifes just, tough. Even though maybe I thought the surgery I had would make my life better, it really didn't change much at all, I'm still as, unhappy as I was before.

Sigh. Every thought that goes through my head now is depressing in some way.
:/ Eh, pretty fucked up for a 13 year old right? Things in my life, never stay good for long.