And again...

-.-''
So again i find myself writing this stuff on a blog, but i mean, i need to tell someone and a blogs close enough to a person.

i dont know what to do anymore, relationships stress me out, so i've been thinking lately...maybe i should go through my school years without a boyfriend, but i know if i left him, id only come back to him because i love him to much, and if i came back...it could be to late, i think i might just..
see where this ends up...see what happens.. i'll try talk to him on monday.. and see what happens from then on.

I don't know anymore.

So i find myself completely...i dont even know,
im thinking on the worst of everything but im trying to change
but i dont know,
i continue being myself.. hating most things...but still i find myself trying my hardest to make the change and fix myself up, just, i dont know.
i want to go back to school, it takes my mind off everything and im with my friends and boyfriend everythings just better, and i never feel this way....i need to get back there soon or i dont know....

i know things and everything could be sooo sooo much worse for me but, i dont know i need to stop complaining -.-

11/4/10

Soo, hmm yeah today was ok really relaxing nothing really happened. Gaah i miss my boyfriend so much, I want to go back to school I need him I love him so much. I miss my friends at school too... everythings so so boring.. so now I find myself being a sad person...writing blogs everyday about nothing? Now im on my tablets too, maybe thats why i felt relaxed today, I dont know anymore, I feel...different..

10/4/10.

Well... today i didn't do much and i didn't feel much i just felt like changing my life around but i've been working on that for awhile... and well i'm now on tablets, there huge, luckily i can crush them up :D there meant to help my brain, make me concerntrate, stress relief, good skin and keep my immune system up soo..atleast now i wont get sick as easily? i haven't taken one yet..i'll take my first tomorrow straight after breakfast :( i have to start eating breakfast now, because of these tablets...but apart from the tablet things, i spent the whole day with my mum and dad, and dad wasn't drunk which i enjoyed... so all together it was a pretty good day, i'm going to own upto it now though i miss my backbrace, its so cold at night without its plasticness.. i'll get used to sleeping like a normal person i guess.

I really want to go back to school i'm dying without being in my boyfriends arms.. i've never really felt this way about anybody before so i guess thats a sign of true love right? i really hope so. He means the world to me. Anddd... >.> I bet he's going to read this at some stage.. HI KAYLE!? xD

Continues with this blog,
so, i miss my friends too...and i'm missing school work? even though i hate school so much..i miss it.. but i have another week and a half till i go back. Gosh.

Happiest day of my life.

:) Well, where do i even start? I guess I'll start from when I woke up...so I woke up thinking it'll be a really crappy day, and that hospital was going to be just loads of bad news, So I put my backbrace on, I felt so much pain within 30 minutes i wanted to take it off but i didnt i held on and left it i got to the hospital i felt my hip crushing and cracking i had to take it off so i did, i got sent upto x-rays, wasn't to bad i guess... they'll be way worse things happening before the surgery, so, basically that was the x-rays over with... then i had to get out of their gown and into my clothes again and from there i went to see my surgeon, and he was telling me everything thatll happen then i said how i couldnt breathe while in my backbrace, and it was bruising me badly, thats why i heard the words ''aw how about we take it away earlier?'' instantly i smiled and my first words were ''are you serious?'' he said ''i dont see why not its only 9 weeks'' then i cried of happiness...gaah it felt so good to know that the thing that caused me so much torture and pain and emotional pain was finally gone, im so glad....my scoliosis journey is almost over just the hardest part is coming up shortly, the real surgery, i can do it though, i know i can and i will, well nobody will really understand why this is the happiest day of my life...because i doubt you know how much pain i was in for those 2 years in that plastic torture chamber, i'll never forget this day... high 5 to the future :D Screw the past.


thank god its almost all over, bring on the surgery im so ready to live the good life as a normal person :)

Today..hasn't been to bad.

So, I guess I should start of by saying today I'm feeling...reasonably good, I can still feel the pressure and stress but today, its bareable.

I spoke to my mum about the surgery today, and how I was feeling, maybe thats why I'm feeling better today? The bad thing about it was, we were talking about it in the shops..and it made me cry, luckily, I dont think anybody noticed.. It'll be hard saying goodbye to her before the surgery, I dont even want to imagine how scared she'll be about her daughter under going one of the most serious surgerys anybody could have.. I dont really want this surgery...honestly... I think i'd rather die.. but I have to do it..for the people I love. I know what ever happens I'll still have them around...I just don't enjoy thinking about how distraught some of them will be while I'm in hospital.

As these weeks go by I feel more and more afraid, I fear that soon I'll start crying myself to sleep.. So, yeah I guess I'm being really really dramatic about this whole surgery thing, but I've never been operated on before, I have a fear of hospitals and nurses and doctors. This is harder to deal with than I ever imagined... when I was 11 I never thought I'd end up like this before the surgery I never even thought I'd need the surgery I was hoping for a miricle and I still am.. Even though I doubt a miricle will happen within the next 9 weeks I might aswell forget it..
Today.. I felt like doing something I knew I'd regret, I never did it. I couldn't.... I'm glad I didn't..


I'm thinking of getting mental help soon.. or atleast taking pills to control my emotions.. I might talk to mum about it tomorrow..

Well I'm going to complete withdraw this away from the bad stuff... and I'm just going to say it... I miss Melody and Sharron, they bring the smile to my face and make the days pass with happiness... even though they get pissed off with me easily... But more than that.. I miss my boyfriend more, I often wonder why he's with someone like me I'm completely messed up... and I must be hard to manage at times... And I know he's scared about my surgery aswell.. I wish I didn't have to have this surgery.. everyone could be happy... I'd be alot happier... I could just finally be normal... I guess my dad was right...life gets harder when you get older... but then I look at him now.. completely depressed and wanting to kill himself, I don't want to be like that when I'm his age... It's hard enough just seeing him like that... I'm wondering how life turned out this bad for me.. I guess things started to go down hill when I moved countries.. even though I've met the bestestest people in the world over here... I just wonder maybe if I never moved here...maybe things could be better? either way, its to late now...and I just have to hope the future will be better hopefully it will, I know it will...
Just have to hold on till then I guess.

Life is failing at the moment, I'm falling deeper and deeper into spiralling depression.. Why, do these things happen to me? Why is all this pressure put down on me? I don't know why I take things so personally, I shouldn't even think this way at the age of 13, I shouldn't be thinking about ending my life to escape the things I'm going through. I know this isn't right, I know I need to change but I can't yet, Not yet. It's to hard, and I can't give up on life yet, because of the people I love I could never hurt them that much, I want to get through this rough patch in my life, but I'm struggling. Their are people out there the same as me, same problems same everything but nobody will ever know how it feels to be just like me, because its my brain that things this way.
Do you know what its like, to feel like your being ripped apart everyday? I do.
Do you know what its like to go through so much pain, that you just want to end it all? I do.
Do you know what its like to want to be so angry at yourself, you want to throw yourself out of the car? I do.
Do you know what its like, to know your dying? I do.
Do you know what its like to go to the doctors every month of your life? I do.
Do you know what its like to appear completely messed up to other people? I do.
Do you know what its like to be so close to death? I do.
All the things I feel shouldn't be felt by a 13 year old.... so...why do I feel this way?