I know I've already posted my blog for today but, nobody's online to talk to about these things that are destroying me inside, I don't even think I'd trust telling anyone anyways.

:/ Sigh.
I've been basically wondering back and forth in my room for awhile now, So many things are going through my head I can't think straight.
After he went offline.
I felt dead, - though I wish I was - That dead feeling then went to worrying and from worrying it led to something else that brought tears to my eyes. What would happen if he did really go? - I don't think I'd be able to handle it, hell, the tiniest little upset right now would be enough just to finish me off. I'm trying to stay strong on the outside but on the inside I've completely broken down.

Atleast, today, I did something I can be proud of? I made Melody see sense..she took my advice..and she helped me in return..

It's funny how what I thought was true love faded so quickly. Who am I kidding, I don't know what love is, I want to know, But, I don't. - I hate love. - I don't want to love anyone..so when I finally do, I think, I'll deny it. - Thats what I'm doing right now, repressing this love I think I have for someone.. although.. I'm not 100% sure.. :/ Sigh, I don't know.

I remember posting on this blog that, I feel most depressed when I'm alone.. I've been alone for awhile now and atleast an hour or two ago.. I picked up 2 pairs of scissors.. and, I had to basically fight myself to put them down.
I'm just hoping things get better.. least, one day, I'd like my dreams to come true, my brothers happy, I have a good job, I find someone who's willing to basically die for me, I have kids then, I die. Not to much of a dream is it? But thats my dream.. Knowing my luck, it won't happen. None of them will.

I'm wondering if I should say to mum I want to move back to England..or even move to Canada.. Lets face it, I hate this place I'm only here for the people... if I left, then, Sharron would get her school work done, Jacqob could stop loving me and save himself the pain of me hurting him, Melody..well she could go out with any guy she wanted to and I wouldn't be there to say he's no good.. Sigh.

Things need to change before I do something I don't want to.. >_<
I have a killer headache from all this thinking... Sigh, I'm a mess.

Dear Agony, Please let go of me.

I slept through most of today, sleepings the best place for me even though I have bad dreams, I don't think in my sleep and if I don't think then I don't think of the hurtful things.

Yesterday, I got into a conversation with my mum, saying that, I think I might have depression, it's not terribly bad but anyway, she's letting me go see a psych in a few months.. she said if I do have it, she won't be putting me on pills? So, I don't really want to know if I have it or not, it won't change a thing.
Also yesterday, I had Sharron sort out my dreams and whats going on in my mind.. she said I have alot of repressed anger..and I'm angry at someone I love.. she's right. :/ she also said, I'm still the same me I've always been, the depressed one and in my dreams the creatures I see are what used to be me, I used to see myself as a monster and I continuously try kill it. - It always comes back. - I hate how she's always so right. >_<

These days I'm left worrying about my brother awhole lot, I keep telling him I love him and I'm always going to be there for him but I'm scared one day, he'll do what I'm thinking of doing. - He's the same as me or atleast getting there, which..is sad to watch I don't want him turning out like me, at all. :/

I also worry about Andrew.. and recently..worrying alot about Jacqob, I love those guys and I'm honestly freaken hoping they don't do anything to themselves..

Aside from the worrying though.. I still have that one thing on my mind, Sigh, I think I like him, I'm not saying love because, its not that yet, but, I think I like him, he's in my dreams now, but, I don't want to do anything about it.. anything at all, :/ I fear relationships now, scared of hurting someone else, or, scared of them hurting me, I don't think I'll be able to handle a long relationship, I'd get myself to worked up and worried.

Lifes confusing for me right now.

But as always, music gets me through it<3