So, I guess I should start of by saying today I'm feeling...reasonably good, I can still feel the pressure and stress but today, its bareable.
I spoke to my mum about the surgery today, and how I was feeling, maybe thats why I'm feeling better today? The bad thing about it was, we were talking about it in the shops..and it made me cry, luckily, I dont think anybody noticed.. It'll be hard saying goodbye to her before the surgery, I dont even want to imagine how scared she'll be about her daughter under going one of the most serious surgerys anybody could have.. I dont really want this surgery...honestly... I think i'd rather die.. but I have to do it..for the people I love. I know what ever happens I'll still have them around...I just don't enjoy thinking about how distraught some of them will be while I'm in hospital.
As these weeks go by I feel more and more afraid, I fear that soon I'll start crying myself to sleep.. So, yeah I guess I'm being really really dramatic about this whole surgery thing, but I've never been operated on before, I have a fear of hospitals and nurses and doctors. This is harder to deal with than I ever imagined... when I was 11 I never thought I'd end up like this before the surgery I never even thought I'd need the surgery I was hoping for a miricle and I still am.. Even though I doubt a miricle will happen within the next 9 weeks I might aswell forget it..
Today.. I felt like doing something I knew I'd regret, I never did it. I couldn't.... I'm glad I didn't..
I'm thinking of getting mental help soon.. or atleast taking pills to control my emotions.. I might talk to mum about it tomorrow..
Well I'm going to complete withdraw this away from the bad stuff... and I'm just going to say it... I miss Melody and Sharron, they bring the smile to my face and make the days pass with happiness... even though they get pissed off with me easily... But more than that.. I miss my boyfriend more, I often wonder why he's with someone like me I'm completely messed up... and I must be hard to manage at times... And I know he's scared about my surgery aswell.. I wish I didn't have to have this surgery.. everyone could be happy... I'd be alot happier... I could just finally be normal... I guess my dad was right...life gets harder when you get older... but then I look at him now.. completely depressed and wanting to kill himself, I don't want to be like that when I'm his age... It's hard enough just seeing him like that... I'm wondering how life turned out this bad for me.. I guess things started to go down hill when I moved countries.. even though I've met the bestestest people in the world over here... I just wonder maybe if I never moved here...maybe things could be better? either way, its to late now...and I just have to hope the future will be better hopefully it will, I know it will...
Just have to hold on till then I guess.
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